saving me from myself

Adventuring rule #13: Don't think about it too much. Just live. 

     There are some phrases that circle over and over in my mind.

     "You are not good enough," is the most common. The rest all stem from that idea of inadequacy. I am not prepared. I am not ready. I am not enough for this life. But here I am, in it anyway.

     They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. But what if God wasn't paying attention? Or what if he doesn't exist and life just sucks?

     My friends are so patient. It confuses me that I might deserve this kindness, when I have done nothing to earn it. They say I don't have to deserve it. That I'll be getting their love anyway. That nothing I can do will push them away. I know this. They have bigger hearts than I do.

     I have tested them, these last fews days. Not intentionally. I didn't plan this. But they didn't plan to have to pick up my sobbing pieces over and over again. The smallest things are breaking me. I spent a long time trying to keep these people from seeing the vulnerable and weak sides of me. They did see and they haven't left. Now it's as though I'm trying to overdose them on my crazy to prove to them that they don't want me. They haven't left yet, but they are getting tired. How many times can I do this before they are done?

     I know there are bigger problems in the world. There are children without food, people without voices or choices. I know it is much worse to wake up in their lives than in my own. But I did not choose my life or theirs. This is the world I was given. And it's my responsibility to figure out how to survive in it. I imagine that there are parts of my life that someone from another reality would have trouble with.

     I will not waste this time any longer. It will not make it any easier to find a job or my own apartment or keep in touch with friends if I waste this entire week being sad and angry. I may not deserve their kindness or their love, but they do not deserve my meanness or my cruel words. They are willing to love me and that is enough. I won't sabotage it.

     It seems that I will be beginning my real life with some real friends. Friends who have proven themselves. Perhaps it works in reverse. Instead of deserving their kindness and then receiving it, I think I am receiving it first. Then I must live up to it. Here goes nothing.